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WRITERS EYES / ASCRIBER Uniting Writers Around The World Online Writing Group
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by
John Williams
A Fleeting Comet
At vespers one late Autumn day, as the sun drooled and wrapped its soft glow over rocks and crags, cascading into clumps of heather loosely anchored on the mountain's southern shoulder, I sat gazing at the splendour of the view below me. The distant church bells faintly pleaded my attention extolling virtues that could not compete with my Trappist heaven high above the house-speckled valley from which I had escaped. I sat spellbound by the magic moment that only chance unfolds upon the unsuspecting traveller.
A fox appeared near to the brow unheeded by my presence as he nosed his way from stone to stone, sniffing familiar landmarks as he foraged for his evening meal.
With measured cunning he wafted over perfumed purple stretches of heather as
he sought his prey. His ears stood upright as he sensed the presence of a lark,
- momentarily the setting sun was reflected in his eyes. His quarry gone he
turned and traversed rock and shale, which brought him within a short distance
from where I sat. I held my breath and prayed he would not depart. He lifted
his head and looked towards the distant hills. He held his nose up high as he
smelled the breeze, gauging its direction as atavistic throes dominated his
every move in the surge for survival. He turned and faced me, momentarily
paralysed as much from surprise as fear. He stood and stared. For what seemed
an age our eyes met, and as if with understanding of my longing for the silence
of the hills, he stood, his paw poised, uncertain of his next move. Then
without neither speed nor fright his titian image disappeared over the hill. It
happened; it was over like a fleeting comet in the sky.
Comments
John,
I felt as if I was there, watching the scene unfold by your side. The moment of wonder was well caught; I was holding my breath as I read, as if I too could have disturbed the fox!
Janis R
John
As always you have caught the moment almost as the photographer with sharp focus. Richer and fuller than any photo with the highlight of the senses.
Hazel Graham (Col. Bay)
John, your poetic prose pleases me, use of repeated first letters, eg surge survival is something I like to use. You have painted a word picture a reader can enjoy and I suspect you enjoyed it too, writing it and perhaps even experiencing it and not completely in your imagination.
One thing I would like to point out. You have used "as he" four times and "as if" and "as atavistic throes" too. May I suggest a revision here? One more small grammar point: without neither is a double negative. OK? Love the piece.
Dorothy