It all began with my big mouth. I didn`t realise it at the time mind you; how could I when I was only nine years old? My eldest sister wanted to be married on her twenty-first birthday and so that was the date fixed. (She is fifteen years older than me and we have another sister ten years older than me.) The wedding venue was fixed too, or so all the rest of my family thought, up till then. All at once they were at variance with each other, vociferously in contention on the subject. As I recall, it sounded something like this:

My other sister. `You should have a traditional wedding.`

The bride-to-be. `By traditional you mean white veil, long dress, flowers in every place and all over the church? Not for me, Sis.`

My mother. `What on earth is wrong with that?`

My father. `What else could you do? Is he a Buddhist or something?`

`We shall have a Register Office wedding of course!`

Our mother`s voice went up a decibel. `Never! That`s for clandestine, -um hurried affairs in Mr. Ogden the Solicitor`s upstairs office.`

`Pooh! Not these days, Ma!`

Our father`s voice became authoritative. `Don`t call your mother Ma,`

`O.K. Pop. Anyway, we might elope to Gretna Green and be married over the blacksmith`s anvil!`

Our conventional sister was distraught. `Don`t talk such rot, even you wouldn`t go that far.`

`I jolly well would, try me!`

As I say, I was only nine and most of this was beyond my comprehension but the tension was appalling. They all began to shout at each other simultaneously, a cacophony of voices, high and low. `Control yourself!` `It`s my wedding, not yours!` `It`s for want of knowing better!` `Grow up, child.` `Keep up with the times for goodness sake!` `What planet do you live on?` `It`s foolish!`

`Don`t be so silly.`

In the end I remember crying loud tears of foolish consternation.

`Oh for goodness sake, Ma, shut that child up!`

`I feel like crying myself, it`s all too mystifying.` Mother put a hand on my shoulder and gave me her handkerchief.

`You must come to your senses before it`s too late.` Father put his hand on my other shoulder and gave me his handkerchief also.

Some days later, the man who was to marry my sister came, unaccompanied, to our house; on reconnaissance I realise now, with hindsight. He was an eccentric young man, given to wearing coloured silky-smooth shirts with full sleeves and he wore his red hair in a pigtail at the nape of his neck. My father called him "The Bohemian" but at the time I didn`t know what that meant. In addition, he had no manners; he bounced into the sitting room and chucked me under the chin. `Hello spud! Everything all settled then? All alongside?` There was a pregnant silence and he looked at each of us in turn. `What`s the matter? Cat got your tongues?`

`Not at all, young man, I have the feeling that you and my daughter are seeing to the agenda.` Father put out his hand to The Bohemian who mistook it for an American handshake and slapped it instead of shaking it. `O.K. man, all up to us eh?` Mother rose to her feet and, with her usual cyclical turn of phrase, complained, `Nothing is at all clear, do you see?` She caught hold of my hand and we stood and stared at him. The front door banged as he beat his retreat.

That`s all I can remember until the day of the wedding, except that father told mother that they couldn`t stay away because that would look ODD. In the event, everything was arranged outside our home; our parents had nothing to do with it. We all dressed up on the wedding day and went to the place where my sister and the Bohemian were to be married.

I quote from the diary I kept at the time. (Forgive the shocking spelling).

"eggsiting news sis is going to have what she calls a fun wedding"

"sis says she got the idea from my big mouth"

"the wunns I luv best called the Muppets"

"i can chuse witch wunn I wanna be but knot the frog or the pig"

"i will be a chiken and ware a mask of a beek and a red topknot"

"gess wat!!!!! sis will be Mispiggy and hymn Kurmit and dad Oldtimer"

"dad looks lik Oldtimer anyway so dad and mum are not in fansy dress"

"Boeheman got a peegreen suit and a mask with table tennis balls for ise"

"sis got a sattin dress died violent culler and a mask with long curls and eers"

"sis says the man hool marri them is Sam the Eegle"

"His nose is lik Sam but with a frosty face he says no laffing cos its not funny"

"my chiken suit is hot and scrachi but fun"

As I say, it all began with my big mouth. My sister used to call me Kermit - Kermit and Miss Piggy were my favourite Muppets characters so I didn`t mind at all. (By the way, in adulthood my mouth is not out of proportion with my face but at that time it must have looked extensive in my small countenance).

My other sister`s wedding was the time-honoured church ceremony with all the trimmings.

Where are my eldest sister and the Bohemian? Their whereabouts, together or separate, is by no means crystal-clear.

Me? My friends say I lack aspiration but I think I`m a little constrained in that quarter. After all, a puppy is not just for a Christmas present and a marriage is not just for a wedding.