It’s my firm belief that no one knows loneliness like I did. Year after year, my days blurred into nothingness. At work, I rarely spoke to anyone. I would come home to my empty apartment where I’d turn the TV on just to have noise; fake conversations that I pretended to be a part of. Some days the only person I saw was my own reflection in the mirror, which I hated to see. The woman looking back at me had such judgmental eyes. I always got the feeling that she believed I was doing a bad job of living my life. It seemed like she was boasting that she could do a better job of it than I was. Loneliness does strange things to a person. I guess that explains why I felt compelled one night to accept Marlene’s offer of spending the weekend at her cabin…alone.

I left town Friday afternoon and made the two hour drive into the mountains, leaving the desert heat behind. Once I was out of range of the radio signal, I popped in James Taylor and rolled down the windows. The fresh mountain air whipped at my hair and reminded me that summer was coming to an end. My neighbor’s directions were mostly accurate and I was able to locate the small cabin after only one or two u-turns.

The cabin was tidy with a musty, un-lived-in smell. I opened the windows to let the pine-scented breeze waft through the rooms. Outside, the back wall of the cabin was stacked nearly five feet high with chopped wood. I brought in a couple loads of logs for later that evening. With at least another hour of daylight, I decided to do a little exploring. The cabin stood about 100 feet away from a small lake. A wooden dock led into the lake where an old, rusty canoe sat floating on the water. The lake was still, with an occasional ripple here and there where a fish nipped the surface or an air bubble escaped. I looked down at the canoe trying to decide if it was sturdy enough for use. I caught my reflection in the water and told myself how ridiculous it was that I was here, choosing to spend another weekend alone.

As usual, I tried not to make eye contact, but something about those eyes reflecting off the smooth, mirror lake was hypnotizing. I’m not sure how long I stood there lost in thought, but I was suddenly jolted back to reality when I felt myself losing my balance and splashing into the cold water. I struggled to find my footing and grappled for the surface. Looking up toward the dock, I saw a figure standing there, the ripples of the water distorting my view. I recognized the figure. It was me. I looked up at myself, pleading for help, but not able to break the surface of the water. I screamed noiselessly as I watched myself smile and walk back toward the cabin. I was helpless. The further away the other me got, the deeper I was pulled into the lake. I realized then that the loneliness I felt yesterday would never visit me again. Now I was desolate. My soul was lost. She had won.